I'm gonna have a badass scar
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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