Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
