I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
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Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.