Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
