What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
