ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.