guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize