woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
