Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
