I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
