It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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