like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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