i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
