mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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