wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
