I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My dick has a subreddit
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
