i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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