so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
