I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
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