Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
