I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
