At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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