I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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