I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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