matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
