jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
That reminds me...we need to get swords
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
