the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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