It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
