Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
