you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
