I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
