she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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