I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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