My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Randomize