made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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