When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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