My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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