i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
