I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
