Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
