AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
