my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
