I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
