I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
