Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
