It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
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i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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