One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
