I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
It's shark week go big or go home
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
