Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
my nose is crying tears of wow.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
