The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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