I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
