I'm drive I can fine osifer
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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