Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
