dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
you made out with another girl for some wings
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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