dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
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New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
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I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk