Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
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You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
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well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.