Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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