chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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